As god calls...

Its the final hours... My sister was crying on the phone, I havent talked 2 my mom in a couple of days because its hard for her 2 talk and she sleeps alot, so i have my sister put the phone on speaker and i tell my mom that I love her so much, Although she is sleeping, i know she can hear me. Tonight I got a couple of texts which is the end coming closer and closer.

Texts from my sister:

She took off her oxygen and went back to sleep. Told me Jesus loves me and she needs to go.

I told her I love her and we will all be ok.
Now, a couple of days ago my sister said that my mother would stop breathing and then start again. Also, her feet were changing color.

Im gonna miss my mom, she was always there for me when i was broke. Giving me 5 bucks here and there, A couple of dollars in change 2 get something 2 eat. My mother didnt have anything but would give everything to help us, her babies... :(

Last Kiss Goodbye.

The time is getting closer. I love my mother with all my heart, i just wish i had the money to give her everything she wanted in life. About four days ago I got a call saying the docs say she might have 2 - 4 weeks left. Now, they are saying she has 3 - 5 days. My sister told me that she talked to my mom, and that she knows shes dying, she knows shes going to heaven. Its sad, I feel so helpless. My mom never had anything and was treated like shit her whole life. I dont wanna see her go. After shes gone, i know i'll be praying to god and 2 my mother in heaven. protect me.

I had wrote a song over 10 years ago called "last kiss goodbye" it was about the time when we were kids, she had dropped us off at my dads place. My parents are divorced and we switched every 6 months. It was my dads turn, i didnt want my mom 2 go. We were crying, not understanding what was going on. She gave us kisses and she cried with us, and then left. I remember pulling the curtain 2 the side and watching her drive away. I dont remember exactly how old i was, i just remember that i can barely see out the window as I watch her car drive away.

Life is Vegas, I got a part time job, its different then what im used 2. im a server. im suppose to be studying for a test in a couple of days, but all i can think about is my mother.

I wonder how it would be different if i havent experienced people dying all my life... I remember I broke down when i was 15, I had a friend kill himself, then grandparents went, more friends and suicide, my brother in law, then seeing people around town and saying whatsup to people at the bar you see every weekend, only to find out they where shot and killed less the 24 hours later.

Life is definitely a trip, live, and live it to the fullest.

Pointless day??

Its 1:38am, i felt like i didnt do anything productive today. Like i wasted a day in my life. I wasnt bored but all I did was walk to pick up a pizza, come home, sleep, take a shower, got milk from walmart, came back home and jumped on the net. I feel as if i should do more.

I did watch a video today on Youtube about Kony 2012, it was a great video, makes you wanna help. Although when i went to the website, it was down.

Does anything matter?

Its 314am, i cant sleep, ive been thinking about my mom, shes always on my mind but when im home and its quiet, i think of her alot more and everything shes going through. I feel depressed. Im sad. I dont know whats holding me back from brusting into tears. I love my mom, I dont wanna see her go. Shes getting worse, she has little hair left, cant walk, and shes throwing up alot. She lost weight cause she cant keep anything down. It keeps playing over in my head, the way she looked at me. That scared look you see in a childs eyes. She knows shes dying, I can almost feel it too, the feeling she feels. Im scared myself. I know one morning im going to wake up and have missed calls from my sister telling us that mom is gone. I really dont want her to die. I wanna hear her laugh. I want to hug her. I want her to feel happy. I want her to live.

I had a dream a few nights ago, I only remember parts but my mom was in it. She looked like she did before the tumor, before she got sick. I remember crying in my dream, yelling at her but not in a mad way. I was yelling that i dont want her to go. That I love her. I felt lost, I wanted to know why. She handed me these cards. It was to keep evil away. Everytime I threw a card, the evil spirit would disappear. My mom was protecting me, even in my dreams.

The last day or two, I would look at things and wonder why does anything matter. Tv's, cars, clothes, jobs, money, going out, etc. Why does any of it matter? What is its purpose? My mind is weak. I really dont see life's purpose right now. Not saying im gonna do anything bad to myself but really, Does anything matter?

Hit Refresh

The trip to see my mother ended and i headed to Las Vegas to get my keys to the new place. Days had past and I spent hours cleaning my old place so I could get most of the deposit back. I spent 3 days cleaning the place and in 45 mins, we will have our final walk through. Then, its off to Las Vegas to start everything brand new. Chilled with some friends last night, im tired, hopefully the drive isnt to bad, its about 7 hours long. Today, I get a fresh start, I better make the most of it.

I hope things get better...

DAY 1

My sister had to leave for work training for a few days, so i flew over and im watching over my mom. The first night, i woke up at 3am to a crashing sound. My mom had fell off her bed and hit her walker on the way down, she was on the floor throwing up over and over. I was on my knees trying to do what i can to make her feel better. After I had cleaned the mess, i had to take her and help her use the restroom, gave her breakfast and pills. When i got her back to her bed everything was wet from the puke, So i had to change her and change the sheets on her bed. That lasted until 6am. The care giver came at 9am. That was my first night, hardly any sleep but i cant complain, this is what my sister has 2 to everyday, i have to do it for four.

Throughout the day i had read to her, a book by Joel Oseen. She had told me to buy that book before she went into surgery. So i did, we got done with the first chapter and its a good book. Althought im not religious, this guy is a great speaker and so far the book is amazing.

I had left the house to go pick someone up, Talk about "seeing signs", while i was driving down the street, this white van had writing across the hood, it said "Read the bible". I tripped out because the book im reading to my mom is a christain book. Everything seems to out of movie of something.

DAY 2

5:27am - Although my mom ate good last night, she didnt wake up until 415am to use the restroom. Wish i could say the same about me. I went to bed around 9pm but woke up every hour a little past the hour. I helped her use the restroom, gave her breakfast and morning pills.

Just walk away.

Hi, Im Ted. and... and... I have a gambling problem. Well, i dont really see it as a problem because overall im still on top. Today some friends and I went to the casino and i was up almost 400 the first 20 mins of gambling. What i really need to do is learn how to walk away because i just gave it back to them in a couple of hours. In december i gave them 1200 back in a few weeks time. Im up, then i put it back... Im up... Then i put it back. I really should learn how to just walk away. O_o

I kinda dont wanna go...

Its 15 mins till 7am while im writing this. I cant sleep. To be honest, im nervous. The time has come, today I gotta call my landlord and give my 30 notice. Things are falling into place and it looks like we're moving to Vegas the 2nd week of Feb. My brother and I got turned down for a nicer appartment, so it looks like we're gonna go to one that doesnt seem as "nice". Born and raised in a city, then moving 2 a small town, my brother said i turned soft and that i wouldnt be able 2 handle a city anymore. He also said that moving to a small town was good because chances are that i would have been dead or doing time because of the shit i was getting into in San Jose. Truth is, hes right about everything. Im kinda worried because i hope we're not making a wrong choice by moving to Las Vegas. What if something happens to my brother? Id feel like it was my fault. Although he did move 2 a rough area in SoCal, but still, I cant imagine what if something happens to him. Us with no car, we gonna walk everywhere, I hope everything turns out ok.

Also, a part of me doesnt want to move. Los Banos became home and i met so many GREAT people here. All my friends are here. I know where i can walk and where i shouldnt. Im gonna miss this place, I kinda dont wanna go. Another part of me wants to move to Oregon so I can be closer to my family. I miss my fam. I wish it was simple, I wish i was rich. Rich people say money doesnt by happiness, they dont know what their talking about, If i was rich, id be the happiest person alive, No more worries and I can be around the people I love.

Its hard right now, I try 2 stay on the positive side of things BUT its stressful being my age, over weight, no girlfriend, no car, was a high school drop out, and on top of it, now i dont have a job and on unemployment. I need a job, I wish we didnt get laid off, times are tough right now and hope things get better because if it gets worse, who knows what will happen...

i spit rhymes

For those who read this and wonder why my name is "iSpitRhymes", well, check it out and give me a like. http://facebook.com/ispitrhymes

Falling from the sky

I always seem to have the weirdest dreams. I woke up yesterday morning and can remember only parts of a dream. I was driving fast through city streets, i remember passing a bus full of tourist before the road ended and turned into a dirt road, i took a look at the gps then quickly turned to avoid hitting the car ahead of me.I got back onto the road but flipped over the edge and i knew that it was going to be a long fall. I looked at my gps again and it showed me how far i was falling. I was just sitting there like it was a rollercoaster. Then it felt like it was taking too long, i looked again at the gps, then i hit. I remember thinking to myself, "No airbags"? It was black for a quick second, i opened my eyes and saw the airbags out but flat. I stuck my head out the right side window because the car was on its left side. I remember seeing a large turtle with his head and long neck looking up, kinda like it was posing for a picture. I turned around and saw a Rino just sitting there facing me, i quickly stuck my head back in the car... Then i woke up.

Trip: I was thinking about my dream, The turtle and the rino were just there, like they been there for awhile. If i just crashed, nothing would be around me. So how long was i blacked out before waking up in the car?

Deja Vu

I was able to get ahold of my mom today. I try to call her everyday but she sleeps alot. Today she seemed ok, she was able to answer questions and at first it seemed like she could have a conversation the best way she could. She told me Happy New Years, even though she told me that on the 1st. I think she thinks today is the first time she talked to me since new years day because she was on meds last time and couldnt really talk. She also seems to have short term memorie. Towards the end of our "conversation", she told me happy new years again. Then she told me she loves me... Then happy new years again. I told her i love her, she told me she loved me and then she told me Happy New Years once again before i asked if she would like 2 say hi to Erick. I handed the phone to him and a few minutes later i get the phone back. My mom says hello like its the first time hearing my voice today, then she follows with a Happy New Years. Its sad but i had a slight smile and went along with it. Then she asks to talk to Ted... I tell her its me. "Mom, Its Ted". Shes says ok, she stays quiet for a second and then asks to talk to Ted. We repeat the I love yous and Happy new years before handing the phone back to Erick. I could over hear the same thing before getting the phone back. She tell me Happy new year once more before asking me if i already said happy new year. I told her yes, shes said ok and she'll talk to me later.

I can hear her call my sisters name, then a "hello" like shes wondering if anyone is home, my sister gets on and tells me that shes back on chemo. Its kinda like a rollercoaster but its my mother, I love her.

Jan 1st, 2012

     4:14am - Happy New Year!!, its 2012 and it looks like we have 11 months and 22 days left on this earth. So they say. haha. Nobody knows the future but we can see whats gonna happen when its only obvious. So on that note, let me tell you my future for 2012: 1) Im gonna re-locate to a city. 2) Im gonna lose a family member. 3)My life will change. Everything I know will change this year, some of you might read "My future" and be like, *Why would he say something like that?!*, well, like i said, the future can be told when its obvious. Alot of you who end up reading my blog and dont really know me, youre gonna be lost with the Who, what, where, and when. I promise i'll bring you up to date with my past somehow, some way. For those of you who might know alittle... Jessica, She still crosses my mind. I dont know if i'll see her again but everytime i do, shes beautiful in a way words cant explain.

Well, its late and i got to get to bed BUT whats a new year without resolutions??
2012 Resolutions: Lose Weight, Release my first full solo album, Find a good job (im independent, i cant pull money out of my ass), Talk to god and have him give my mother another 30 years. Last but not least, Do one thing to help change the world for the better.