Just walk away.

Hi, Im Ted. and... and... I have a gambling problem. Well, i dont really see it as a problem because overall im still on top. Today some friends and I went to the casino and i was up almost 400 the first 20 mins of gambling. What i really need to do is learn how to walk away because i just gave it back to them in a couple of hours. In december i gave them 1200 back in a few weeks time. Im up, then i put it back... Im up... Then i put it back. I really should learn how to just walk away. O_o

I kinda dont wanna go...

Its 15 mins till 7am while im writing this. I cant sleep. To be honest, im nervous. The time has come, today I gotta call my landlord and give my 30 notice. Things are falling into place and it looks like we're moving to Vegas the 2nd week of Feb. My brother and I got turned down for a nicer appartment, so it looks like we're gonna go to one that doesnt seem as "nice". Born and raised in a city, then moving 2 a small town, my brother said i turned soft and that i wouldnt be able 2 handle a city anymore. He also said that moving to a small town was good because chances are that i would have been dead or doing time because of the shit i was getting into in San Jose. Truth is, hes right about everything. Im kinda worried because i hope we're not making a wrong choice by moving to Las Vegas. What if something happens to my brother? Id feel like it was my fault. Although he did move 2 a rough area in SoCal, but still, I cant imagine what if something happens to him. Us with no car, we gonna walk everywhere, I hope everything turns out ok.

Also, a part of me doesnt want to move. Los Banos became home and i met so many GREAT people here. All my friends are here. I know where i can walk and where i shouldnt. Im gonna miss this place, I kinda dont wanna go. Another part of me wants to move to Oregon so I can be closer to my family. I miss my fam. I wish it was simple, I wish i was rich. Rich people say money doesnt by happiness, they dont know what their talking about, If i was rich, id be the happiest person alive, No more worries and I can be around the people I love.

Its hard right now, I try 2 stay on the positive side of things BUT its stressful being my age, over weight, no girlfriend, no car, was a high school drop out, and on top of it, now i dont have a job and on unemployment. I need a job, I wish we didnt get laid off, times are tough right now and hope things get better because if it gets worse, who knows what will happen...

i spit rhymes

For those who read this and wonder why my name is "iSpitRhymes", well, check it out and give me a like. http://facebook.com/ispitrhymes

Falling from the sky

I always seem to have the weirdest dreams. I woke up yesterday morning and can remember only parts of a dream. I was driving fast through city streets, i remember passing a bus full of tourist before the road ended and turned into a dirt road, i took a look at the gps then quickly turned to avoid hitting the car ahead of me.I got back onto the road but flipped over the edge and i knew that it was going to be a long fall. I looked at my gps again and it showed me how far i was falling. I was just sitting there like it was a rollercoaster. Then it felt like it was taking too long, i looked again at the gps, then i hit. I remember thinking to myself, "No airbags"? It was black for a quick second, i opened my eyes and saw the airbags out but flat. I stuck my head out the right side window because the car was on its left side. I remember seeing a large turtle with his head and long neck looking up, kinda like it was posing for a picture. I turned around and saw a Rino just sitting there facing me, i quickly stuck my head back in the car... Then i woke up.

Trip: I was thinking about my dream, The turtle and the rino were just there, like they been there for awhile. If i just crashed, nothing would be around me. So how long was i blacked out before waking up in the car?

Deja Vu

I was able to get ahold of my mom today. I try to call her everyday but she sleeps alot. Today she seemed ok, she was able to answer questions and at first it seemed like she could have a conversation the best way she could. She told me Happy New Years, even though she told me that on the 1st. I think she thinks today is the first time she talked to me since new years day because she was on meds last time and couldnt really talk. She also seems to have short term memorie. Towards the end of our "conversation", she told me happy new years again. Then she told me she loves me... Then happy new years again. I told her i love her, she told me she loved me and then she told me Happy New Years once again before i asked if she would like 2 say hi to Erick. I handed the phone to him and a few minutes later i get the phone back. My mom says hello like its the first time hearing my voice today, then she follows with a Happy New Years. Its sad but i had a slight smile and went along with it. Then she asks to talk to Ted... I tell her its me. "Mom, Its Ted". Shes says ok, she stays quiet for a second and then asks to talk to Ted. We repeat the I love yous and Happy new years before handing the phone back to Erick. I could over hear the same thing before getting the phone back. She tell me Happy new year once more before asking me if i already said happy new year. I told her yes, shes said ok and she'll talk to me later.

I can hear her call my sisters name, then a "hello" like shes wondering if anyone is home, my sister gets on and tells me that shes back on chemo. Its kinda like a rollercoaster but its my mother, I love her.

Jan 1st, 2012

     4:14am - Happy New Year!!, its 2012 and it looks like we have 11 months and 22 days left on this earth. So they say. haha. Nobody knows the future but we can see whats gonna happen when its only obvious. So on that note, let me tell you my future for 2012: 1) Im gonna re-locate to a city. 2) Im gonna lose a family member. 3)My life will change. Everything I know will change this year, some of you might read "My future" and be like, *Why would he say something like that?!*, well, like i said, the future can be told when its obvious. Alot of you who end up reading my blog and dont really know me, youre gonna be lost with the Who, what, where, and when. I promise i'll bring you up to date with my past somehow, some way. For those of you who might know alittle... Jessica, She still crosses my mind. I dont know if i'll see her again but everytime i do, shes beautiful in a way words cant explain.

Well, its late and i got to get to bed BUT whats a new year without resolutions??
2012 Resolutions: Lose Weight, Release my first full solo album, Find a good job (im independent, i cant pull money out of my ass), Talk to god and have him give my mother another 30 years. Last but not least, Do one thing to help change the world for the better.