Its 1:38am, i felt like i didnt do anything productive today. Like i wasted a day in my life. I wasnt bored but all I did was walk to pick up a pizza, come home, sleep, take a shower, got milk from walmart, came back home and jumped on the net. I feel as if i should do more.
I did watch a video today on Youtube about Kony 2012, it was a great video, makes you wanna help. Although when i went to the website, it was down.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Does anything matter?
Its 314am, i cant sleep, ive been thinking about my mom, shes always on my mind but when im home and its quiet, i think of her alot more and everything shes going through. I feel depressed. Im sad. I dont know whats holding me back from brusting into tears. I love my mom, I dont wanna see her go. Shes getting worse, she has little hair left, cant walk, and shes throwing up alot. She lost weight cause she cant keep anything down. It keeps playing over in my head, the way she looked at me. That scared look you see in a childs eyes. She knows shes dying, I can almost feel it too, the feeling she feels. Im scared myself. I know one morning im going to wake up and have missed calls from my sister telling us that mom is gone. I really dont want her to die. I wanna hear her laugh. I want to hug her. I want her to feel happy. I want her to live.
I had a dream a few nights ago, I only remember parts but my mom was in it. She looked like she did before the tumor, before she got sick. I remember crying in my dream, yelling at her but not in a mad way. I was yelling that i dont want her to go. That I love her. I felt lost, I wanted to know why. She handed me these cards. It was to keep evil away. Everytime I threw a card, the evil spirit would disappear. My mom was protecting me, even in my dreams.
The last day or two, I would look at things and wonder why does anything matter. Tv's, cars, clothes, jobs, money, going out, etc. Why does any of it matter? What is its purpose? My mind is weak. I really dont see life's purpose right now. Not saying im gonna do anything bad to myself but really, Does anything matter?
I had a dream a few nights ago, I only remember parts but my mom was in it. She looked like she did before the tumor, before she got sick. I remember crying in my dream, yelling at her but not in a mad way. I was yelling that i dont want her to go. That I love her. I felt lost, I wanted to know why. She handed me these cards. It was to keep evil away. Everytime I threw a card, the evil spirit would disappear. My mom was protecting me, even in my dreams.
The last day or two, I would look at things and wonder why does anything matter. Tv's, cars, clothes, jobs, money, going out, etc. Why does any of it matter? What is its purpose? My mind is weak. I really dont see life's purpose right now. Not saying im gonna do anything bad to myself but really, Does anything matter?
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