Sunday, April 29, 2012

As god calls...

Its the final hours... My sister was crying on the phone, I havent talked 2 my mom in a couple of days because its hard for her 2 talk and she sleeps alot, so i have my sister put the phone on speaker and i tell my mom that I love her so much, Although she is sleeping, i know she can hear me. Tonight I got a couple of texts which is the end coming closer and closer.

Texts from my sister:

She took off her oxygen and went back to sleep. Told me Jesus loves me and she needs to go.

I told her I love her and we will all be ok.
Now, a couple of days ago my sister said that my mother would stop breathing and then start again. Also, her feet were changing color.

Im gonna miss my mom, she was always there for me when i was broke. Giving me 5 bucks here and there, A couple of dollars in change 2 get something 2 eat. My mother didnt have anything but would give everything to help us, her babies... :(

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Last Kiss Goodbye.

The time is getting closer. I love my mother with all my heart, i just wish i had the money to give her everything she wanted in life. About four days ago I got a call saying the docs say she might have 2 - 4 weeks left. Now, they are saying she has 3 - 5 days. My sister told me that she talked to my mom, and that she knows shes dying, she knows shes going to heaven. Its sad, I feel so helpless. My mom never had anything and was treated like shit her whole life. I dont wanna see her go. After shes gone, i know i'll be praying to god and 2 my mother in heaven. protect me.

I had wrote a song over 10 years ago called "last kiss goodbye" it was about the time when we were kids, she had dropped us off at my dads place. My parents are divorced and we switched every 6 months. It was my dads turn, i didnt want my mom 2 go. We were crying, not understanding what was going on. She gave us kisses and she cried with us, and then left. I remember pulling the curtain 2 the side and watching her drive away. I dont remember exactly how old i was, i just remember that i can barely see out the window as I watch her car drive away.

Life is Vegas, I got a part time job, its different then what im used 2. im a server. im suppose to be studying for a test in a couple of days, but all i can think about is my mother.

I wonder how it would be different if i havent experienced people dying all my life... I remember I broke down when i was 15, I had a friend kill himself, then grandparents went, more friends and suicide, my brother in law, then seeing people around town and saying whatsup to people at the bar you see every weekend, only to find out they where shot and killed less the 24 hours later.

Life is definitely a trip, live, and live it to the fullest.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Pointless day??

Its 1:38am, i felt like i didnt do anything productive today. Like i wasted a day in my life. I wasnt bored but all I did was walk to pick up a pizza, come home, sleep, take a shower, got milk from walmart, came back home and jumped on the net. I feel as if i should do more.

I did watch a video today on Youtube about Kony 2012, it was a great video, makes you wanna help. Although when i went to the website, it was down.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Does anything matter?

Its 314am, i cant sleep, ive been thinking about my mom, shes always on my mind but when im home and its quiet, i think of her alot more and everything shes going through. I feel depressed. Im sad. I dont know whats holding me back from brusting into tears. I love my mom, I dont wanna see her go. Shes getting worse, she has little hair left, cant walk, and shes throwing up alot. She lost weight cause she cant keep anything down. It keeps playing over in my head, the way she looked at me. That scared look you see in a childs eyes. She knows shes dying, I can almost feel it too, the feeling she feels. Im scared myself. I know one morning im going to wake up and have missed calls from my sister telling us that mom is gone. I really dont want her to die. I wanna hear her laugh. I want to hug her. I want her to feel happy. I want her to live.

I had a dream a few nights ago, I only remember parts but my mom was in it. She looked like she did before the tumor, before she got sick. I remember crying in my dream, yelling at her but not in a mad way. I was yelling that i dont want her to go. That I love her. I felt lost, I wanted to know why. She handed me these cards. It was to keep evil away. Everytime I threw a card, the evil spirit would disappear. My mom was protecting me, even in my dreams.

The last day or two, I would look at things and wonder why does anything matter. Tv's, cars, clothes, jobs, money, going out, etc. Why does any of it matter? What is its purpose? My mind is weak. I really dont see life's purpose right now. Not saying im gonna do anything bad to myself but really, Does anything matter?

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Hit Refresh

The trip to see my mother ended and i headed to Las Vegas to get my keys to the new place. Days had past and I spent hours cleaning my old place so I could get most of the deposit back. I spent 3 days cleaning the place and in 45 mins, we will have our final walk through. Then, its off to Las Vegas to start everything brand new. Chilled with some friends last night, im tired, hopefully the drive isnt to bad, its about 7 hours long. Today, I get a fresh start, I better make the most of it.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

I hope things get better...


My sister had to leave for work training for a few days, so i flew over and im watching over my mom. The first night, i woke up at 3am to a crashing sound. My mom had fell off her bed and hit her walker on the way down, she was on the floor throwing up over and over. I was on my knees trying to do what i can to make her feel better. After I had cleaned the mess, i had to take her and help her use the restroom, gave her breakfast and pills. When i got her back to her bed everything was wet from the puke, So i had to change her and change the sheets on her bed. That lasted until 6am. The care giver came at 9am. That was my first night, hardly any sleep but i cant complain, this is what my sister has 2 to everyday, i have to do it for four.

Throughout the day i had read to her, a book by Joel Oseen. She had told me to buy that book before she went into surgery. So i did, we got done with the first chapter and its a good book. Althought im not religious, this guy is a great speaker and so far the book is amazing.

I had left the house to go pick someone up, Talk about "seeing signs", while i was driving down the street, this white van had writing across the hood, it said "Read the bible". I tripped out because the book im reading to my mom is a christain book. Everything seems to out of movie of something.


5:27am - Although my mom ate good last night, she didnt wake up until 415am to use the restroom. Wish i could say the same about me. I went to bed around 9pm but woke up every hour a little past the hour. I helped her use the restroom, gave her breakfast and morning pills.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Just walk away.

Hi, Im Ted. and... and... I have a gambling problem. Well, i dont really see it as a problem because overall im still on top. Today some friends and I went to the casino and i was up almost 400 the first 20 mins of gambling. What i really need to do is learn how to walk away because i just gave it back to them in a couple of hours. In december i gave them 1200 back in a few weeks time. Im up, then i put it back... Im up... Then i put it back. I really should learn how to just walk away. O_o