Does anything matter?

Its 314am, i cant sleep, ive been thinking about my mom, shes always on my mind but when im home and its quiet, i think of her alot more and everything shes going through. I feel depressed. Im sad. I dont know whats holding me back from brusting into tears. I love my mom, I dont wanna see her go. Shes getting worse, she has little hair left, cant walk, and shes throwing up alot. She lost weight cause she cant keep anything down. It keeps playing over in my head, the way she looked at me. That scared look you see in a childs eyes. She knows shes dying, I can almost feel it too, the feeling she feels. Im scared myself. I know one morning im going to wake up and have missed calls from my sister telling us that mom is gone. I really dont want her to die. I wanna hear her laugh. I want to hug her. I want her to feel happy. I want her to live.

I had a dream a few nights ago, I only remember parts but my mom was in it. She looked like she did before the tumor, before she got sick. I remember crying in my dream, yelling at her but not in a mad way. I was yelling that i dont want her to go. That I love her. I felt lost, I wanted to know why. She handed me these cards. It was to keep evil away. Everytime I threw a card, the evil spirit would disappear. My mom was protecting me, even in my dreams.

The last day or two, I would look at things and wonder why does anything matter. Tv's, cars, clothes, jobs, money, going out, etc. Why does any of it matter? What is its purpose? My mind is weak. I really dont see life's purpose right now. Not saying im gonna do anything bad to myself but really, Does anything matter?

I hope things get better...

DAY 1

My sister had to leave for work training for a few days, so i flew over and im watching over my mom. The first night, i woke up at 3am to a crashing sound. My mom had fell off her bed and hit her walker on the way down, she was on the floor throwing up over and over. I was on my knees trying to do what i can to make her feel better. After I had cleaned the mess, i had to take her and help her use the restroom, gave her breakfast and pills. When i got her back to her bed everything was wet from the puke, So i had to change her and change the sheets on her bed. That lasted until 6am. The care giver came at 9am. That was my first night, hardly any sleep but i cant complain, this is what my sister has 2 to everyday, i have to do it for four.

Throughout the day i had read to her, a book by Joel Oseen. She had told me to buy that book before she went into surgery. So i did, we got done with the first chapter and its a good book. Althought im not religious, this guy is a great speaker and so far the book is amazing.

I had left the house to go pick someone up, Talk about "seeing signs", while i was driving down the street, this white van had writing across the hood, it said "Read the bible". I tripped out because the book im reading to my mom is a christain book. Everything seems to out of movie of something.

DAY 2

5:27am - Although my mom ate good last night, she didnt wake up until 415am to use the restroom. Wish i could say the same about me. I went to bed around 9pm but woke up every hour a little past the hour. I helped her use the restroom, gave her breakfast and morning pills.

Deja Vu

I was able to get ahold of my mom today. I try to call her everyday but she sleeps alot. Today she seemed ok, she was able to answer questions and at first it seemed like she could have a conversation the best way she could. She told me Happy New Years, even though she told me that on the 1st. I think she thinks today is the first time she talked to me since new years day because she was on meds last time and couldnt really talk. She also seems to have short term memorie. Towards the end of our "conversation", she told me happy new years again. Then she told me she loves me... Then happy new years again. I told her i love her, she told me she loved me and then she told me Happy New Years once again before i asked if she would like 2 say hi to Erick. I handed the phone to him and a few minutes later i get the phone back. My mom says hello like its the first time hearing my voice today, then she follows with a Happy New Years. Its sad but i had a slight smile and went along with it. Then she asks to talk to Ted... I tell her its me. "Mom, Its Ted". Shes says ok, she stays quiet for a second and then asks to talk to Ted. We repeat the I love yous and Happy new years before handing the phone back to Erick. I could over hear the same thing before getting the phone back. She tell me Happy new year once more before asking me if i already said happy new year. I told her yes, shes said ok and she'll talk to me later.

I can hear her call my sisters name, then a "hello" like shes wondering if anyone is home, my sister gets on and tells me that shes back on chemo. Its kinda like a rollercoaster but its my mother, I love her.