Does anything matter?

Its 314am, i cant sleep, ive been thinking about my mom, shes always on my mind but when im home and its quiet, i think of her alot more and everything shes going through. I feel depressed. Im sad. I dont know whats holding me back from brusting into tears. I love my mom, I dont wanna see her go. Shes getting worse, she has little hair left, cant walk, and shes throwing up alot. She lost weight cause she cant keep anything down. It keeps playing over in my head, the way she looked at me. That scared look you see in a childs eyes. She knows shes dying, I can almost feel it too, the feeling she feels. Im scared myself. I know one morning im going to wake up and have missed calls from my sister telling us that mom is gone. I really dont want her to die. I wanna hear her laugh. I want to hug her. I want her to feel happy. I want her to live.

I had a dream a few nights ago, I only remember parts but my mom was in it. She looked like she did before the tumor, before she got sick. I remember crying in my dream, yelling at her but not in a mad way. I was yelling that i dont want her to go. That I love her. I felt lost, I wanted to know why. She handed me these cards. It was to keep evil away. Everytime I threw a card, the evil spirit would disappear. My mom was protecting me, even in my dreams.

The last day or two, I would look at things and wonder why does anything matter. Tv's, cars, clothes, jobs, money, going out, etc. Why does any of it matter? What is its purpose? My mind is weak. I really dont see life's purpose right now. Not saying im gonna do anything bad to myself but really, Does anything matter?

Hit Refresh

The trip to see my mother ended and i headed to Las Vegas to get my keys to the new place. Days had past and I spent hours cleaning my old place so I could get most of the deposit back. I spent 3 days cleaning the place and in 45 mins, we will have our final walk through. Then, its off to Las Vegas to start everything brand new. Chilled with some friends last night, im tired, hopefully the drive isnt to bad, its about 7 hours long. Today, I get a fresh start, I better make the most of it.

I kinda dont wanna go...

Its 15 mins till 7am while im writing this. I cant sleep. To be honest, im nervous. The time has come, today I gotta call my landlord and give my 30 notice. Things are falling into place and it looks like we're moving to Vegas the 2nd week of Feb. My brother and I got turned down for a nicer appartment, so it looks like we're gonna go to one that doesnt seem as "nice". Born and raised in a city, then moving 2 a small town, my brother said i turned soft and that i wouldnt be able 2 handle a city anymore. He also said that moving to a small town was good because chances are that i would have been dead or doing time because of the shit i was getting into in San Jose. Truth is, hes right about everything. Im kinda worried because i hope we're not making a wrong choice by moving to Las Vegas. What if something happens to my brother? Id feel like it was my fault. Although he did move 2 a rough area in SoCal, but still, I cant imagine what if something happens to him. Us with no car, we gonna walk everywhere, I hope everything turns out ok.

Also, a part of me doesnt want to move. Los Banos became home and i met so many GREAT people here. All my friends are here. I know where i can walk and where i shouldnt. Im gonna miss this place, I kinda dont wanna go. Another part of me wants to move to Oregon so I can be closer to my family. I miss my fam. I wish it was simple, I wish i was rich. Rich people say money doesnt by happiness, they dont know what their talking about, If i was rich, id be the happiest person alive, No more worries and I can be around the people I love.

Its hard right now, I try 2 stay on the positive side of things BUT its stressful being my age, over weight, no girlfriend, no car, was a high school drop out, and on top of it, now i dont have a job and on unemployment. I need a job, I wish we didnt get laid off, times are tough right now and hope things get better because if it gets worse, who knows what will happen...